Your stories: From heartbreak to hope – Ruby’s journey with Cruz

As we champion Mental Health Awareness Week, meet BD member Ruby Walker, who shares her story about living with PTSD and overcoming trauma through the power of the horse-human partnership.

For Ruby, horses have always been part of life. Raised in a horsey family, she was riding before she could walk, enjoying Pony Club activities and turning her hand to showing. However, her journey into dressage forms Ruby’s latest chapter alongside a very special Irish Draught named Cruz.

“I bought Cruz in 2020, not long after I lost my previous horse in a tragic lorry accident,” Ruby shared. “I’d gone to see him as a recently backed four-year-old, thinking he’d be a short-term project to help me cope with the grief. Nearly five years later, he’s still with me and he’s not going anywhere.”

The loss of her previous horse had a profound impact. In the months that followed, she was diagnosed with Bell’s Palsy and experienced facial paralysis for nine months. Later, Ruby was also diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). “For a long time, I tried to bottle it up,” she admitted, “it took four months before I reached out for help, and two years before I was officially diagnosed.”

“Our first two years were difficult,” she said on her early years with Cruz, “we struggled to bond and trust each other.” Still carrying the weight of her trauma, Ruby found it hard to connect, and Cruz – now in a new home with a new rider – was navigating unfamiliar ground too. “It wasn’t Cruz’s fault,” she reflected, “but we questioned whether it was such a good idea to get a horse to produce so soon after what had happened.”

As time went on, Ruby began to seek help. She started weekly counselling, which “did wonders” in helping her begin to process what she had gone through. However, recovery wasn’t a straight line. Later, she found herself hitting another “brick wall”, so she contacted her doctors and was referred to her local mental health team, through which she was diagnosed with PTSD.

The diagnosis provided some much-needed answers and shortly afterwards everything seemed to ‘click’ with Cruz. “The process of being assessed and diagnosed was completed after two years of me beating myself up after the trauma and not allowing myself to accept and enjoy life with Cruz. Since my diagnosis and medical intervention, I’ve been able to develop my bond with Cruz, and we’ve made a partnership that’s truly very special.”

PTSD, she explained, can show up in many ways – flashbacks and nightmares were common, as was avoiding people, places or things linked to the trauma. “For me, even being around horses was difficult. I was working as a groom at an event yard and had horses at home. I didn’t know life without them, but I was terrified that I might never love them again.”

With the support of counselling and medical treatment, including Sertraline, which helped her feel calmer and more in control, Ruby began to feel like herself again and credits Cruz for helping her rediscover the joy of life with horses. “He was most definitely the horse that never stopped giving,” she said. “Some days I just needed a hug, and he was always there. He knew when something was wrong and gave me the reassurance I needed. He owes me nothing, and I owe him the world.”

From cuddles on low days to keeping Ruby grounded at competitions, Cruz became more than a dressage partner – he was her emotional anchor.

Discovering a new passion

 With the original goal of taking Cruz eventing, Ruby quickly realised that mud and solid fences weren’t his style and the pair soon began their dressage journey in February 2023. “Cruz decided he was too much of a princess to be messing around in all weather conditions,” she laughed, “he much preferred keeping all four feet on the floor, so we tried dressage instead and haven’t taken his dancing shoes off since!”

Since then, the pair have gone from strength to strength. “We were both complete beginners to dressage, learning together,” Ruby explained, “now we’re competing at Medium level and I can’t quite believe how far we’ve come.”

PTSD continued to affect many aspects of Ruby’s life, and competitions came with their own challenges, but they also offered her the opportunity she needed to push herself out of her comfort zone. “When we first started, my nerves were obvious in the ring,” she recalled, “I even tried calming cookies, but nothing helped. So the plan was to compete as regularly as we could to build confidence – and it worked.”

Support from Ruby’s coach Tessa Thorne and her mum also helped ease the pressure. “Having them in my ear before a test took the weight off my shoulders. At the end of the day, it was all about enjoying the ride and bettering ourselves. Anything extra was a bonus.”

Behind Ruby and Cruz’s progress was a team of unwavering support. “My parents were my biggest champions. They were always there, as trainers, grooms and emotional support. I couldn’t thank them enough.”

Tessa, who has coached the pair from the very beginning, was also instrumental. “She is the reason we performed the way we did. I would have laughed if someone told me two years ago that we’d be riding at Medium. Tessa made that dream a reality.”

Ruby’s partner Dan was also a key part of the journey: “He wasn’t horsey before we met, but he came everywhere with us and helped however he could. The equestrian world was a whole different kettle of fish, but he embraced it.”

Looking ahead

Alongside her progress in the arena, Ruby also achieved a significant personal milestone graduating from University in May last year. “I did two years at Hartpury as an equine management student, then went on to university to study small animal veterinary nursing. After four years at university, I graduated with a 2:2 BSc honours degree.”

Balancing academic life with riding and work wasn’t easy, “It was extremely hard to juggle everything – uni, work, competing – and Cruz understandably took a back seat during my dissertation, which broke my heart. But he was always there for me. He was my only form of sanity throughout studying. Just being with him helped me cope.”

Now, with her degree behind her, Ruby can finally dedicate more time to her riding goals. “It was such a relief to finish my studies and focus on Cruz and competing. Despite the four years, the wait was well worth it!”

The duo are currently working to become more established at Medium level and schooling the Advanced movements home, with their sights set on continuing to climb up the levels right to the top.

“It’s a dream, but I believe anything is possible if you believe in it,” Ruby said, “I want to keep learning, keep progressing and make the people who supported us proud. They’d done so much for me and Cruz. Making them proud is the least I could do.”

When asked to sum up her relationship with Cruz in one sentence, Ruby said: “Despite both of our high-maintenance ways, he was the perfect listener and always had my hand if I’d had a bad day in work and just needed a cuddle. He just knew.”

Photo © Kevin Sparrow Photography